Last night I was unable to sleep. As a result, I spent a few hours reflecting on the last few months of my life...and there were two things that were on my mind the most: my future, and THE relationship.

I've been praying a lot for guidance, and if you could, please pray for me too. I'm so confused as to what God plans for me. Today, as I walked down the street, I meditated on this thought, "You can glorify God's name in every single career path." But I believe that there is ONE path that God wants for each person, so what's my path? I've always wanted to be a doctor, and I still want it. I got into the social work field because it is a "helping relationship" kinda field, but I knew immediately it was not for me. I know that the hosiptal is where I should work in, because whenever I interacted with a patient I felt a warmth inside me. *That* has to be it, right? But how do I get there? And how do I know exactly that it is my right path?

Along that line, what about my relationship? What if I tell you that despite being out of a relationship, and having guys who can be potential boyfriends, I don't feel the draw. It's like my whole life I was waiting for that ONE person, I even prayed to God that I wanted to wait for THE one, not just intimacy-wise, but anything in general. I want him to be my first EVERYTHING, you know? And I was doing great, seemed like I knew what I wanted. Michael was not the first one that I felt something for, but I always hestitated with all the other guys despite knowing that they were interested in me too; I was always able to pull away before even starting a relationship, knowing deep down "he's not the one." But with Michael? I can say that it was totally out of my character...I hardly even knew him before I felt this strong emotional connection, and I thought to myself, "it has to be him." But now...what are we? He broke my heart, and left me utterly confused as to what God wants for me and for us. I still feel the pull towards him, and when I see him I feel a peacefulness that no one else was ever able to give me. I think I hear God saying, "be patient, be his support, and wait." But can I be sure?

These days, I prayed for God to guide my way, and for me to know how to follow his will. "Not my will, but yours be done" has been my prayer each day. It is hard, and I am very scared especially because I know that I WILL follow God's will no matter how difficult it is. So I need a conviction, something that can only come from God Himself.

I don't know what's ahead of me, and I'm terrified. But I know that when the time comes, God will show me a way. Please pray for my patience, and that God would reveal his plans to me.

新年快樂

很久沒blog了...對上一次, 是剛和他分手的時間。那時的我，只是一具行屍走肉吧？現在呢？不見得就完全康復了...

是傷過痛過哭過，到現在麻木了。在旁人看來，我已走出陰霾，但我偶而的淚水，卻提醒我前事不能釋懷。畢竟，在最美好的時光分手，沒有恨，只多了一份無奈。真的，一百零六天了，身邊的家人朋友全都不值他的 "自私"，連他的父母也有微言, 我卻從未怨過。感情事，從來只有當事人最清楚。君不見倪周張三人鬧的滿城風雨，結果呢？別人說周笨，但「子非魚，焉知魚之樂」？一起走過的日子不為人道，既然二人也付出過，何不放他們一馬呢？我倒佩服周的勇氣。在一片反對聲中堅持己見，那份愛與包容不是人人做得到的。很記得哥哥說的一番話, "你的性格和周很像，但倪會娶周，你的他卻不會娶你。" 聽完後，我默然。誠然，我的那位並無出軌，分手只為得到自由。然而，若他真的上演一幕真人秀，也難保我不會原諒他。現在的我和他，是最要好的朋友。他有任何事，我永遠義不容辭；真心想他快樂，無條件為他做每一件事。有一天，他問，「為何你對我那麼好？」我只笑說「沒原因」，然後在心裡對他說了一遍，「你值得的。」

我從來很懂收藏自己的情感。看似冷靜，卻極敏感。我到現在依然無悔，但心裡淡淡的愁緒，和想起他時心頭的悸動...是否告訴我我正在玩火呢？我們，又真的只是朋友嗎？太多問題，太少答案。反正新年已過，或許，凡事都該重新開始了吧...

Day 2

My boyfriend and I broke up 2 days ago. Actually...I found out that he had been thinking about breaking up, I confronted him, and he finally said it's better that we ended it.

The first day was painful. I didn't know what I was feeling...I was either in so much pain that I couldn't think, or I felt so empty inside that I could not react to anything happening around me. The most painful part came from the fact that it came as a total surprise. It caught him off guard too, because he never thought I'd find out...but after I found out, there seemed to be no return.

We were both in such a mess that day...to make matters worse, we have a semi-long-distance relationship, so we had to do it over the phone. So both of us were crying over the phone, and there were moments when I thought it'd be better if I just died on the spot. I cried so many times that day I can't even count, whenever I thought about him, I cried. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep...it was the most miserable day of my life.

Yesterday, he came into town because it just feels right to do it in person. We had a long talk, and we decided that we'd try to be friends. We knew it was going to be hard, but we wanted to do it because we'd been best friends for the last 2 years, and to let go of such a wonderful friendship was unbearable. So we're trying to work things out now.

I miss him so much. From the bottom of my heart, I know I'll always love him no matter what, although I hope that one day this love can transform into something deeper and longer lasting. I sincerely want to be friends with him again...but who knows? It might be too much for both of us to deal with...

Will you even try to be friends with your ex?

So I worked for a month...things have been going well, I'm getting into the routine, and everything is fine. I like doing home visits, because I really like talking to my clients and just getting their life stories out of them. Most of the time they are grateful of the services they are getting, sometimes you hear funny stories, and occasionally they're rather sad. I don't think I'm helping them that much, because most of them want to be as independent as possible (I guess that's normal for anyone), and therefore even if I suggest certain services, they would decline it unless they are really in need.

I'm the youngest person in my office...I mean, the average age was probably around 40? But everyone gets along really well. I'm literally the baby in the office, because many of my co-workers have kids my age, plus or minus a few years. Still, I'm respected, and a lot of them told me I'm mature for my age...again, I wanted to ask, "Does it mean I act too old?"

Anyway, I'm still a kid inside, so I still think about my long weekend and how I will spend it with Michael. I don't know what we're doing yet...probably just chill at home? It's been so long since I saw him though (well long for my standard), so we'll have fun no matter what. Um why am I writing now? I should go sleep now because I have a long day ahead of me...

But I just wanna wish everyone a happy Labor Day!

錯愛?

今天有點無聊, 上了 yahoo 新聞, 看到書展的消息。當中有阿嬌的新聞, 講述她與陳冠希的一段情。說真的, 她出道以來我一直不太喜歡她...總覺得她不是歌手的材料, 但發生那件事後, 我卻對她多了一份好感。

事件發生後, 所有有關人物也"潛水"了, 直至過了這許久, 只有阿嬌和 Edison 出來交代過。而阿嬌, 作為年輕偶像, 明知事件對她的影響, 還是選擇站出來面對, 比男主角更勇敢。她的一句 "很天真很傻", 被用作攻擊她的武器...現在她再 "解畫", 還是被質疑...我只想說, 她真的很可憐。

其實, 我從不覺得她有多錯。情到濃時, 雙方你情我願...何以有錯? 愛侶間尋求 excitement, 在很多國家也是正常, 並被鼓勵的。我不是說所有人也應該這樣, 但為何藝人不能有正常生活呢? Paris Hilton 因 "A Night in Paris" 一舉成名...我只能嘆句同人不同命...

錯愛, 是她的想法...不由其他人說甚麼 "愛情無分對錯", "不應說愛錯了一個男人" 這種說話。其實, 半年了, 就算她真的錯了, 她失去得夠多了吧? 在大家再度 "群起狂插" 她之前, 想想自己有何資格。大家可是侵犯了人家的私隱在先的呢...